by Gordon the Friendly Dragon

Ahhh, bismuth liquid. It is hard not to love a substance that manages to taste like the delicious lovechild of old fashioned bubblegum and a peppermint plant while simultaneously relieving diarrhea and travelers' diarrhea. Sure, it reduces the frequency of bowel movements, but nothing is perfect. This miracle elixir is a staple of most heartburn and acid reflux sufferers like me, and when you develop an intimate relationship with over-the-counter medicines, it is almost inevitable that you will seek a generic replacement product that adequately simulates the brand name counterpart. In my case, that meant purchasing Target - brand “stomach relief.” It was pink, it was tasty, it was smooth, and it quenched the fires that slowly crept up my esophagus when I forgot my prescription remedy.

The only draw back was the lid. For some unfathomable reason, the designers of the bottle decided that the lid should utilize a loose circle of foil-coated cardboard as a freshness seal. If I shook the bottle, as per directions, the seal would become coated with medicine. If I failed to clean the seal before replacing the lid, it became glued to the rim of the bottle after each use, forcing me to dig a fingernail into the pink crust between the seal and bottle to remove it. When I eventually tired of peeling the seal off, I threw it away in a fit of irritation. This was a mistake, as the tiny piece of cardboard was essential to the operation of the child safety mechanism. I actually crushed the bottle trying to force the cap's mysterious internal mechanisms to connect without it, so on future purchases I left it in. It was the kind of minor but irksome design flaw that would normally send me back to brand name products, but I was saving five dollars by choosing this over Pepto-Bismol.

I continued to pick and peel until the day I came to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription three days late. I had run out of ”stomach relief” the day before, and the fires in my belly were stoked (I know what some of you are thinking, and no, this is not normal for an Electric Dragon), and I would find no relief from my prescription for at least twenty-four hours. I hurried to the isle that housed my salvation and bent to retrieve my usual selection. Four rows of “stomach relief” were empty. “They must be restocking,” I thought, and grabbed the smallest bottle of Pepto-Bismol I could find, noticing in the process that it cost as much as a generic bottle three times the size. I didn't even wait till I got home. I opened it in the car and took a swig from straight from the bottle.

Who decided that all medicine tastes better when it is “cherry” flavored? Who failed to notice that the “cherry” flavoring actually produced a slight burning sensation in a medication that is supposed to prevent that sort of thing? Was it the same marketing genius that failed to properly label the liquid nightmare so I would know to avoid it? Why did I take a second drink? I can't speak for the Pepto People, but I suppose it was my strong tendency towards wishful thinking, or, as I like to call it, determination, that led me to quell the disturbance created by that vile concoction with more of the same. Surprisingly, it did help, a little, but I haven't used it since. I think it's still in my medicine cabinet, but I digress.

Long story short, I went straight back to that isle on my next visit to Target. I get cranky when I have a tummy ache. Again, my usual brand was missing, and it remained so for the next two weeks. I began to lose faith in Target. I refuse to shop at Wally-Mart in all but the most dire circumstance (for reasons I will not disclose), and I haven't felt right shopping at K-Mart since they declared bankruptcy, robbing their creditor's blind in the process, and used the oodles of money they stole to purchase Sears. I had nowhere else to turn.

Fortunately, my favorite beverage was not lost forever. “Stomach relief” returned to the shelves, and once more my tummy slept easy. My faith in target was restored. They didn't remove the product, they didn't screw up their ordering, and they weren't lax in stocking their shelves. When “stomach relief” was once again available for purchase, the cardboard seal was gone, and an all plastic, squeeze style child proof lid was in its place. Thank you Target, for taking the time to make my life better on an infinitesimal, almost unnoticeable scale.