Hello, me Groog (pronounced Grr-ooooooooo-g). When dragon first ask Groog to write book reviews, Groog say NO, and swing gnarled club, not because Groog ignorant brute, but because Groog have masters in English Lit. Groog love poetry and classic literature, not trashy popular novels.

"But Groog," say dragon, me need book reviews. "Groog do Persuasion," ask Groog (Groog love Austin lady). "No," say dragon, "Groog stick to modern science fiction and fantasy. Oldest thing Groog do is roots of modern speculative fiction. You know, Tolkien, Asimov, that sort of thing." Groog say, "Gag Groog with stick." Groog read Petrarch and sonnets. Groog love John Donne and metaphysical, but Dragon say it be personal favor if Groog stick to modern books, and maybe, if Groog Veeeerry good, dragon let Groog post poems. Maybe. Well, this dragon show, and Groog nice guy, so Groog do book reviews.

Frequently asked questions.

Q. How is it a cave dwelling Neanderthal like you is alive and writing today?
A. First thing first. Groog not Neanderthal. Groog Cro-Magnon. Neanderthal clearly bred for life in Ice Age, while Cro-Magnon more like stocky version of modern man.

Second thing second. Neanderthal live in forest and hunt by ambush, Cro-Magnon live in hut, and well adapted to hunting on plains. Neither Neanderthal nor Cro-Magnon actually live in cave. Called "cave" man because of cave paintings. Cave just religious meeting place. Groog live in cave now because it cheep, and Groog like the smell.

Third thing third. Groog live so long because Groog eat right, get lots of exercise, and use darkest secrets of ancient man to draw power from the blood of enemies, just kidding, Groog just eat right and get lots of antioxidants.

Q. Why do you talk so funny if you have an English degree?
A. It all go back to childhood. When Groog growing up, nobody use metal tools. Even stone tools uncommon, and Groog's parents not know how to make them. Father was poor gatherer, unable to provide meat for him family, let alone trade for fancy cutting implement. Him kill with club or not at all. Groog grow up resenting simple life. Groog say many times, "Groog not wait to blow this stinking burgh," when Groog knew father would hear.

When turn fifteen, Groog move to bigger tribe, get job skinning animals with tiny stone chips, and soon as possible buy a fancy stone knife. It made of flint with custom red leather hilt, very nice. Groog not realize that while new knife made of stone, Groog's heart made of common meat, so Groog start missing mommy and go home at end of season. When Groog walk into tiny grass hut, mother alone by fire pit, crying her filthy eyes out.

"Groog," her say, "you too late. Father Gronk dead. Him die in forest. Him killed by Neanderthal with fancy flint knife with custom red leather hilt."

All of sudden, knife on Groog's hip feel like it weigh hundred stones.

That night, Groog trade fancy knife for new hide blanket, take up fathers club, and vow never to live big tribe life again. That include using new words like "His", and "won't". Groog no need them, so Groog use them little as possible.

Q. I read that nothing resembling modern humans evolved until two million years ago at the earliest, and dinosaurs became extinct approximately sixty-five million years ago. If my math is right, the last dinosaur kicked the bucket sixty-three million years before the rise of man, yet you write as if you lived with them. What's the deal?
A. You calling Groog Liar? You should test Groog truthful nature. Groog write that you find club in very uncomfortable place if ever call Groog liar again. Veeeery uncomfortable. Now call Groog liar again and see what happen. Hope this answer question.

Q. Are you, like, a Geico caveman?
A. No, Geico Cavemen Neanderthal for starter. You blind? You not see how enlarged brow ridge and broad flat nose protect brain from cold? Sheesh. Him clearly thrive in ice age temperature. Groog father killed by Neanderthal. Groog no Neanderthal.

Second, Geico "Cavemen" embrace everything wrong with modern Caveman. Fancy synthetic clothing, fancy house, car and electronics. Fly by airplane instead of pterodactyl for pity sake. Groog no buy into new-fangled lifestyle. If Geico shave off beard and cut hair then Cavemen look very different.

Third and last, Geico Cavemen order duck in restaurant. Groog know that duck mate for life. Anybody who eat duck might maybe kill husband or wife duck. Groog remember how mommy cry when father die, and Groog never inflict that on other living being if there any alternative. Stupid Neanderthal kill Father, but that not enough, now Neanderthal kill helpless duck spouse too. That not right. Groog not namby-pamby, silk wearing, spouse killing Geico Caveman. Groog real Caveman. This question make Groog sick. No mention it again if you know what good for you.

Q. Do you know Fred Flintstone / Captain Caveman / Brendan Fraser
A. Yes, Groog know them all and watch Encino Man with them every third Saturday. Groog so tired of fools who let stereotype rule foolish world view. How stupid to ask if Groog know famous celebrity just because famous celebrity also happen to share ethnic background with Groog. GROW UP.

Q. Why are you so fascinated with clubs.
A. You never meet caveman? Some people no got brains.

Q. What is your favorite TV show.
A. Groog no watch television. Most nights Groog just watch fire or swing bones at large black monolith outside of cave.

Q. Are you single?
A. No, Groog multicellular. Sheesh, Groog not that old.

Q. Boxers or briefs?
A. Neither, Groog wear only poorly tanned animal hides to maintain link to cultural heritage.

Q. What is your favorite cereal.
A. Groog used to like Honeycomb, but battle with giant prehistoric bees get old. Now Groog eat Muslix.

Q. Can I learn to talk like a cave man? I don't need to be authentic, I just want to impress my friends. Are there any simple grammatical rules I can follow?
A. That Easy. Refer to you only in third person or as "Me", use no articles other than and, and no use pronouns he, hers, herself, himself, his, its, or itself. No use contractions, never say is, and oh yeah, make sure everything in present tense. Now you talk like caveman. This not exact. Proper Caveman grammar to complex for most Americans to comprehend. Groog dumb it down for reviews.