by Caveman Groog

Groog drawn to this book because Groog see kindred spirit in Monster. Him big, like Groog, him strong, like Groog, and like Groog, him no take crap from the Swiss. Groog know what you thinking, “Switzerland? Me thought Frankenstein lived on same cul-de-sac in Transylvania as Dracula, Wolfman, and Elmo.” This very wrong, and you bad person to even think it. Though most people more likely think of Frankenstein as strawberry Monster on cereal box, or cousin of big scary guy in Everybody Loves Raymond, truth be that this book often considered the first work of science fiction. Yes, Frankenstein scary, but that not necessarily make it horror. You never see Alien? Frankenstein's Monster live on Cul-de-sac, but him next to Captain Kirk, Han Solo, and Malcolm Reynolds, and him in Switzerland, not Romania.

People have many other misconception too. Monster named Frankenstein, him dumb and illiterate, and him rampage through small village, list go on. No part true. Monster named after creator, Victor Frankenstein. Monster’s name just “Monster.” Him not dumb or illiterate either. Sure him start out that way, but who not? Monster grow like rest of us. Him become fluent in French. Him read Paradise Lost. You ever read Paradise Lost? You even know who write it? Monster no fool, and him never rampage. Monster’s evil calculated, and dedicated to destroying life and family of creator, Victor. Groog set all straight right now. No “fire bad,” no flat head, no neck bolt, no rampage, no Igor, no lightning, and no castle. Actually, all science happen in German apartment. Sorry to burst bubble.

Now that that out of way, it time for Groog to address reeeeeally important issue. Why Frankenstein make Monster at all? Why not make hot Cavebabe, or undead Cavedog that not poop? It simple, him long to make perfect self. Now, LOOK AT FACTS! Facts say, Victor find oldest body parts available, pick only biggest body parts him find, and give Monster only barest rudiment of speech. Him trying to make Caveman. Every man want to be Caveman. Strong, handsome, handy with club, Groog got it all. Victor Frankenstein long to be Caveman so him build one, it little bit like Buffalo Bill in Silence of Lambs. Man want new body, so him build it.

Only problem was, at moment of creation, all desire to be Caveman transferred from Victor to Monster. When him behold true Caveman in all ancient glory, him run screaming from room like little pansy girl. Groog know this reaction all too well. That how Groog earn restraining order from Chuck Norris, so Groog also understand Monster’s reaction. Just as Groog want to chase pansy kicking man down and knock gorgeous rustic beard off of charismatic face with father’s knobby club, Monster want to go Upper Paleolithic on Victor with handy table leg. Too bad Monster not catch him on first night, maybe then him only beat Victor to bloody pulp, then Monster get even, but Victor make Monster wait and Monster got smart. Monster learn language, reading, and geography, and him use them to find Victor, then force Victor to carry out Caveman dream after all. This prove that Victor never really want to be Caveman, if him had, him would have made super hot Cavebabe from start, instead of waiting for real Caveman to force him into it later. Groog say it before, Groog say it again. Modern humans no got brains.

What modern type people should learn from Frankenstein is that everyone have inner Caveman, and him not nice guy. Him force of nature. Okay, so maybe him not born from lightning, but inner Caveman can strike like bolt from clear blue sky. Once him get loose, no saying for sure who will suffer, but most often it those closest to him, so keep Cavemen bottled up. This technique called discipline, and it important because inner Caveman always too much to handle.

Oh yeah, one thing more, be careful when other person’s inner Cavemen is on loose. Cavemen dangerous lot. You know us by way we act stupid though we got perfectly good brain in head. Caveman might maybe cut in front of Starbucks line, and maybe you think it good idea to try fancy twirly kick, but you not know that Caveman built like slab of stone, or that Cavemen always grumpy. Best advice is to steer well away from all Cavemen, and remember, if you get restraining order, get reeeealy good one. Groog can throw club more than ninety feet.

Groog give Frankenstein seven clubs out of ten.